Listen up: Practical skills for listening, hearing and understanding

There was a young girl who lived in an uncommunicative family. Each person did their own thing most of the time. She didn’t notice since she was young and didn’t know any different.

When she was in her early 20s and looked back on that time, she didn’t recall experiencing any deep listening from those around her; it felt as if she was on her own. It could have been how she approached life that made it feel that way, or maybe it really was that way. Nobody asked her questions or questioned her behavior in any way. She was like an island or someone floating down a river on a raft with no direction. She had good morals, good grades and her nose in a book most of the time. People didn’t engage her in conversation. As she grew up, she realized that she didn’t know how to think for herself. There had been no room for externalization.

Then, a friend came along.

What do you think would have made her feel more valued? Would listening have been important to her? And how can we offer the gift of listening to those around us?

My 87-year-old mother loves to reminisce. Children often enjoy being listened to after school and before bed. Babies love to be talked to. How do we feel when a waiter doesn’t listen well to what we order or when someone doesn’t respond to our text message? Listening affects so many aspects of our lives.

But, many things distract us from being good listeners — such as being on our phones or just not being present with who is right in front of us. We might even go so far as to try to direct the conversation when a friend just needs to be heard. You might be thinking, “But I feel too distracted in life to be a good listener? How can I become better?”

First, we need to ask ourselves, “Why is listening important?” I think the best answer is that listening is an act of love. It also fosters deeper relationships and creates an environment in which people feel safe. When we don’t listen, we might miss what a loved one is saying and feeling or what our bodies might be saying to us.

We need people to listen to us. There are professions of people who are paid to listen (counselors, spiritual directors and coaches). Studies even show that if we talk regularly with a friend, we will have less need to see a therapist. If one of our greatest possessions is how we spend our time, then we can offer that gift to others. In the book The Lost Art of Listening, Michael P. Nicols writes, “The feeling of not being understood is one of the most painful in human experience.”

Maybe your challenge is listening to God. You are not alone. Be still and wait patiently. Tell God you are listening and ask him to convey to you what you need to know. God wants to listen to you. God hears you when you speak (Isaiah 65:24), God turns an ear to you (Psalm 116:2), and your thoughts are precious to him (Psalm 139:17).

Others might be thinking, “I can’t find the time to listen to myself.” For starters, what might your body be saying to you? Humans have many dimensions: the body, emotions, the mind, our spirit and our desires. God cares for all of them. He doesn’t care about one dimension more than another. Let’s pay attention to all of them as if they were gauges on a dashboard.

Of course, there is the dilemma: “I find it difficult to find others who are interested in listening to me.” If we want to encourage others to listen to us, there are a few things we can do to slow the conversation down. Try saying things like, “I wasn’t finished.” “Can we go to a quiet place to talk?” “What are you hearing me say?”

When I’m listening to others, I find that if I have some tools in my back pocket, it helps me think differently about how I listen. Some examples:

• Pray for the next question that needs to be asked
• Remember that sharing your similar story might devalue theirs
• Prepare yourself to listen
• Don’t be afraid of silence
• Ask, “Is there anything else?” Then wait!
• If they say, “You know…” it might mean that they desire acknowledgment of being heard
• Listen with an open mind — be curious, appreciative and listen for the new ideas they are processing
• Reflect back what you heard so they can clarify if needed, e.g., “You sound….” or “What I’m hearing is….”
• Ask open-ended questions: “what,” “when” or “how.” Stay away from “why” questions.
• Ask “May I give you a suggestion?” before you do
• Notice which practices lead you into deeper discussion

The Bible says a lot about listening. Here are some of my favorite verses:

• “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God” (James 1:5)
• “The sheep listen to his voice; he calls his own sheep by name” (John 10:3b)
• “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me” (John 10:27)
• “God has surely listened and has heard my prayer” (Psalm 66:19)
• “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:9)

Remember that young girl? The dear friend she found asked her questions, gave her time to think about what she thought and deeply listened to her. Listening to others can help them think for themselves, and he did that for her. In the end, I married him!

Additional resources

• Can You Hear Me Now? by Dallas Demmitt and Nancy Demmitt
• Practicing the Sacred Art of Listening by Kay Lindahl
• The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nicols
• Listening, Lamenting, Learning and Leading during the Coronavirus Crisis by Dr. Harold Lewis